I'm doing alright. On some shitty meds but I'll be off them in a couple years here.

Mik and I are together again. I adore her, as much as she drives me crazy. Cropsey status.

Been listening to old ADTR.

Good.

Fucking.

Stuff.

LOVE IT.

Ight.

Peach.

Fucking wonderful. Turns out that maybe I won't see Mikhaela this weekend. Grr. That was not well thought through, girl. I tooold you so. And now I have no cuddle buddy. Thank you.

Yeah, it's been a while. But that doesn't really matter since my followers don't even read my blog. Anyways.
Hi there!
My life sucks right now, so... YEAH. Um, the girl I love broke up with me, my sister is a fucking idiot, my cousin smoked heroin, my friend ran away and I haven't heard from her for a week, and I'm off my meds because I'm starting to think I might have a drug problem.
So yeah, fun day. Actually, fun three weeks.
Also, I'm pretty sure everyone at my school thinks Im a complete faggot.
Basically, I'm just kinda backwards lately. Mik's coming over sometime soon so maybe that'll help. But I doubt it. She has some things she wants to tell me... so I imagine I will probably find something else to stress about, me being... myself.
Oh well. It's always raining here.
Been listening to a lot of The Postal Service lately. It's been making me feel better. I think. I have this idea that sad music makes me feel happy and I think it might just be my imagination. Maybe I should listen to more happy music.
...
Fuck that. I hate happy music.
Anyway, I'm done being depressed at you.
Night.

Someone's always comin' around here,

trailing some new kill.
Says, I seen your picture
on a hundred dollar bill.

What's a game of chance to you,
him is one of real skill.

So glad to meet you, Angeles.

I love Elliot Smith. And this song reminds me of how much I hate Los Angeles. Bravo, Mr. Smith.

Anyway, in my cynical modd, I had declared faith bullshit when I had a little optimistic comeback. What I was angry at was not faith, it was faith without free will. Without free will, a human being is nothing. I'm glad I cleared that up for myself.

Oh, and I came up with a quote for my notebook:

"Faith without free will is like communism without equality. Lose it, and it becomes a facism." - Ravyn Vale

Cool, eh?

We got Call Of fucking DUTY at GameStop the other day (shhh... mi mama no know). It's awesome. And for the Wii now so I'm actually getting good at it. Those darn motion controls have always been easy for me. Twilight Princess was a fucking piece of cake. WOO!

Anyway, I'm addicted to Deftones right now (thanks, octopus girl) and they're really really good. Mikhaela! You need to burn me a CD... ]: Pleeeeaase...

Anyway... I've been sleeping well. I'm pretty happy these days. Good night.

hmm...

you said this is suicide, I said it's a fucking war

Bring Me The Horizon's new video premiered today. The song is titled "It Never Ends" from their new album "There Is a Hell, Believe Me I've Seen It, There Is A Heaven, Let's Keep It a Secret." That's a mouthful, eh? Even the acronym is fucking long; TIAHBMISITIAHLKIAS. Fuck me. But go check the new video. It fucking kills!

Anyway, hello. How are y'all doing? I realise it's been a while since I made a post, and I apologise. I've just had other, frankly, more important things on my mind lately, plus I've been working a lot.

I sent a message today to the indie folk musician AUTRY! (from Portland) They're looking for a second guitarist and I thought I'd take them up on it. So we'll see how that pans out.

The screenwriting is going well. Coming up with some great new ideas for Myriad (the working title) that will not only make the dream sequences easier to film, but the transitions much more subtle and arterrific... yes, I just made that up. Anyway, I'll get back to you on that.

I've been looking for the fourth series of The IT Crowd online, but I can't seem to find it anywhere. If you've never seen it, you must, because it's hiiiilarious. British television is so much better than this American crap (*cough*Gossip Girl*cough*).

Sorry *cough* excuse me.

And I'm out of drumsticks again. I found a new pair a couple weeks ago, but one of the sticks broke, so... yeah.

So, um, that's it, I think. Talk to y'all later (hopefully not so late as this time). Good bye!

Dearest, I don't play games.

Just tell me, please, and we'll both be better off for it.

5/30

I don't know what to write.

But I figuured I should get into the habit of making regular posts.

I'm sorry. I really really am. I know I hurt you, and that I said I wouldn't... I'm sorry. I love you. Oh, so, so much.

Anyway.

This was supposed to be Wednesday's entry... I don't think I pressed the right button. Hmph.

Still listening to a lot of Broadway. Oh, and I'm getting back into Radiohead. I fell asleep with Hail to the Thief on repeat last night.

Probably (hopefully) spening some time with the lover today or tomorrow. I miss her. And I need to see her... this week has been one big pile of shit.

Anyway.

I'm going to post this for real now.

Haven't been sleeping much. Two hours a night.

No dark secrets. Not for today.

Goodbye.

I feel lonely. I would much rather be hanging out with the lover today... but she has a youth group meeting so it can't be helped. Hopefully, we'll be doing something tomorrow. I miss her. This week has been stressful...

But no, I am sitting at home, working on my lovely pile of schoolwork. Bleh.

I've been listening to a band called Broadway for a while. Their song "The Same Thing We Do Everyday Pinky" has been stuck in my head for a week... actually, its mostly just the first line.

"Good-byyyyyyeeeeeee!"

Come for a run by the silver sea,

come run away with me, with me...

Hmm... on second thought I'm somewhat glad for this lazy day. I would still rather be with Mik, but I do have a lot of homework. Ugh. This is going to be a long night.

Well... I should go.

Goodbye.

Ignore this.

I overthink things.

5/13

I'm sooo tired. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but after a half an hour of trying, I gave up (sorry Mikhaela, I'll try again in a little bit. I promise). So I dragged the computer into my room and I decided to make a post... seeing as it's been two days.

I've been listening to OT3P quite a bit lately. Otep Shamaya is a great songwriter, and her vocals are fucking brutal (makes-me-want-to-kick-a-door-in brutal). Yeah. Crooked Spoons is a great song. Check it out.

I really want to start filming soon... but I need to get a decent fucking camera if I want to do that. Maybe this summer I'll get a job and start saving up for one. Probably just a digital one. The one I've been looking at is the Cannon HV 20. The film 28 Days Later was shot entirely on two of those. Good film. Check it out. That's the director of Slumdog Millionaire, Danny Boyle. Great director.

I've been sick the last couple of days. It sucks. Ugh. But I'm getting better (as of today, really). And now I have a cold (another of those love-cold deals).

We're reading The Catcher In The Rye in advanced literature. God, I fucking hate that book. No wonder I'm failing that class. We never do anything that interests me... at ALL. Nothing happens in this book. It's not a slow burn, like some decent books. No. It is a no-burn. NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS.

And this is a classic American novel. Great.

Though I've never been one to respect Americans for their intelligence.

Anyway.

I should go.

And I will sleep in a bit, Mikhaela, (if you are reading this) I promise.

Goodbyes.

5/11

I'm sick. Again. Ew.

This is the second time in the last month.

I threw up the other night, but went to school the next day anyways.... but came home feeling like vapid shit. So yeah. Then I puked again this morning. So I think I should stay home today. I feel so unproductive though, staying home. There's only three weeks left and I need to get my Language Arts grade up before term's end. Apparently, I'm getting A's and B's in all my classes.... except for LA. I'm getting a D in there. Which is weird, because my LA teacher, Renee, was the one who told me she'd whip my ass into shape.

So yeah.

Nevertheless, I should stay home, if not just to avoid getting my friends and miss Mikhaela sick (or sicker, whatever the case may be).

I wrote a song yesterday. I'll post lyrics when I come up with music. I literally can't share my music until I have all the elements put together. Not perfected or anything, just there.

So yeah, you can look forward to that.

Deep conversations over the telephone are occurring far too often these days. This tells me I need to see Mikhaela more... or maybe Elizabeth... but she's not always the best person to talk to. She knows me too well.

Scheduling this term sucks. Bleh. But I'll spare you the rant. I'll probably be doing something with Mikhaela Friday... if not then, Saturday.

Hmm, do I have anything else to talk about?

OH!

Senses Fail. I've been listening to them a lot lately. And Envy On The Coast (thank you, applesauce, for reminding me of them). Both fantastic bands. Senses Fail is more for fans of emo or post-hardcore. Envy On The Coast is like post-hardcore mixed with indie rock (I'm thinking Pierce The Veil + White Stripes). It's pretty damn spectacular.

Anyway.

I think I'm done now.

Goodbye.

5/10~Early Morning

I think my lack of sleep is finally catching up with me. I was on the phone with Mikhaela earlier and I threw up. After that... I fell asleep... I think. I'm having a total blackout moment here. I can't remember shit.

Now, I am awake, about five hours later. I barely have the strength to type this post. I need to fucking sleep. I thought those last two days of decent sleep would ennd this shit... I guess I was wrong.

Oh, and I forgot yesterday... I wanted to wish a happy Mother's Day to all.

I guess that's all I have to say for now.

It's only three o' clock now (altogether, it's taken me over two hours to write this dinky little shit of a post). I hope I'll be alright at school today...

Goodbye loves.

5/9

Ugh. So tired. This is what I get for staying out past midnight. I spent the day with Mikhaela yesterday. We went to my grandparents' house. It was nice (especially as I haven't seen her in three weeks up until now). Hmmm... but now it is the next day and I shall go back to missing her.

Have you ever had a giant marshmallow? I have. We bought a pack last weekend with marshmallows half the size of my fist. Fucking gigantic.

SUGAR OVERLOAD.

I need coffee... but we have none.

I might try to stop drinking so much caffeine. The pot of coffee I drink every morning is starting to affect my nerves. Maybe if I cut the coffee and only have an occasional energy drink, my sleeping schedule will clear up... maybe. I did sleep though, the past couple nights. Last night, I slept four hours, and the night before that I slept seven.

It's nice being awake.

I've been really obsessed with this band Parkway Drive recently. They're a melodic hardcore band from Australia. Good shit. Their song "Romance Is Dead" is fucking awesome. It makes me want to kick a door in (you're welcome, Mikhaela). Check 'em out if you're a fan of hardcore... or don't know them already.

So...

I'm done ranting.

Run away with me...

Good bye.

5/7

Hmm... good day. The weather is so nice. Tomorrow is supposed to be nice too. That will be good. Me and Mikhaela can hang around downtown Milwaukie or go to the house.

I want to start my band soon. Something like Envy On The Coast meets Placebo. I need to find some members first, though. Mikhaela want to learn bass, so she could play that. I might do guitar and probably drums and vocals... but I'll need another guitarist and someone to play drums live.

Anyone interested? Oh, right. You don't exist. I forgot.

Hmmmmmm.

Soooo tired. I don't think I've actually slept in a week.

I started watching a movie called Synecdoche, New York. It was weird. Written by Charlie Kaufman. He wrote Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Being John Malkovich. I didn't watch very much of it. I was in math class, and it ended before I could watch much of the movie. I liked what I saw, though.

Anyways, I don't have much to say today.

So this'll be goodbye.

Bye.

5/6

It's been a while...

I suppose I will make a post. It wont be long, I don't have much to say...

I haven't hung out with Mikhaela for two weeks... blah. It's really bad. I miss her so much...

I want a teleportation device. That would make things so much easier. Or at least a car? Why not? Who cares if I don't have a lisence... or a job... or insurance... fuck.


The system is bringing me down.


But hopefully, me and Mikhaela are doing something Saturday... that would be lovely. If the weather's tolerable, we'll probably go down to my house by the river. Actually... we'll probably do that whether the weather is tolerable or not. It's Portland, not Phoenix.


I made a drawing the other day... I was really proud of it... but my freaking scanner won't work. Grrr. I'll post it when I can. Don't expect enything spetacular, though. I haven't practiced drawing for a while now...

I'm writing a story. Its a rewrite of a shitty little story (called "The Fallen"... I'm gonna change that) I wrote a couple years ago. I hope it works out better this time. I'll post a plot synopsis when I have it all worked out.

I don't have much else to say...

I started reading the Tao of Pooh. It's really interesting, not to mention that it's a lot easier to understand than the Tao Te Ching.

Anyways, I have homework to do.

4/25

I feel like shit. I went to a party last night. I was out till midnight. I drank about five of these bad boys:


































So, yeah. I feel like shit. Not to mention that the only real food I had yesterday was a piece of pizza. I think I had an ice cream sandwich for breakfast. Ugh.

I did get to see Mikhaela, though. That was nice. She left a little early, though, because her crazy uncle showed up in town. A bunch of my old friends from school were at the party. I t was cool seeing them again. They really liked Mikhaela. They want to do something like that again soon. That would be lovely.

I think it should rain today. It rained a bit yesterday. Hmm. I think we're leaving the rainy season behind in our city of Portland... sad. And strange. Usually, the rain doesn't stop until, like, July.

Fuck, I have a lot of homework. If I don't get started on this shit now, I'm not going to sleep tonight.

So,

Byes.

Oh, and I slept the last two nights. Six hours each night. But I still feel like fuck after last night's sugary escapade.

4/23

Is it really really bad that I haven't slept for four days?

It feels like it. I feel like a fucking slug. My EYES won't stay open. And what's this? I have to go to school for five hours today? Fuck me. I'm going to die. At least I have a free period. Maybe I can get some sleep.

Anyway, I came up with an idea for a comic a while ago that I think is pretty cool. I'll try to draw something up today.

Basically, the idea is that human kind had polluted the air so much, that they recolonised at the bottom of the ocean, near the mid-Atlantic Rift, miles and miles down. They use mecha and submarines to explore the surrounding area and collect food. They haven't yet invented a machine that could probe the surface, but we'll get to that.

There are three main characters.
One is a mecha pilot, who explores the surrounding ocean and maps it (that's his job-- a cartographer), by the name of Christopher Hawkins.
Another is a scientist who has begun development on a surface probe to test the levels of pollution above the water. However, he is having trouble securing funding from the government, and it seems they don't want him to complete his project. His name is Stephen Crosby.
The last (but not least important, possibly the most integral character in the manga) character is a teenage girl involved in the organisation formerly known as "GreenPeace," that is now known as "Little Atropos," a group of revolutionaries that believe the surface is no longer contaminated, and that the government is keeping the poor, working-class people below and sending the rich, upper-class people above to live on the surface (they believe this because of the mysterious disappearances of aristocrats and politicians from the upper levels of the City. Her name is Paige. She doesn't remember her last name (at least not for now).

The City is known as exactly that: The City. It's never referred to as anything else (though some people call it "Atlantis" as a joke). It's divided into seven levels. The top level (Level One) is for politicians and high-class members of society. It is also the home of the City Senate, the highest power in The City. Levels Two, Three and Four are for upper-class members of society. Most of them don't work, and are supported entirely by corporations run in Level Seven. Levels Five and Six are for the lower and working classes. They are the widest inhabited levels, and, over time, Six has been mostly buried under silt from the ocean floor. The people who live here are workers, and perform maintenance on machinery in Level Seven (though they never actually enter Level Seven) or run hydroponic farms for the upper levels. The City Prison is also on Level Six, as well as two asylums. Level Seven is uninhabited, (or so The City is led to believe) and people are only ever sent down there to perform the occasional maintenance. It is completely underground, and full of machinery. These machines supply power, clean water, medicine, clothing and any other manufacturable item you could think of to the levels above.

It should be noted that Paige is an amnesiac and somewhat schizophrenic. She's prone to delusions and hallucinations, as well as panic attacks. In these attacks, she will hyperventilate and often go catatonic for a few minutes. She takes medication for these attacks, injected directly into her vein with a syringe.

Anyway, that's it.
I hope y'all (meaning my invisible followers) have a good day.

4/22~2

I am sitting here, doing absolutely nothing, in math class. Boring boring boring blah blah blah blah blah. I hate this class so fucking much. It's the end of the day, and I don't want to sit down and listen to someone drone on and fucking on about something that doesn't matter to me.

I'm a fucking film major. What am I going to do with trigonometry?

So, I decided I would make a post.

I've had a bit of an obsession with abandoned houses lately. I've been visiting one near my house for a while now (it'll be about two years). I've come to call it "my house," because I spent so much time there. Whenever my parents piss me off or I get to stressed to deal with anything outside myself, I go to my house and sort things out for myself.

Then, when I can at least deal with myself, I'm ready to deal with the rest of the world's problems.

That seems to be my job these days.

Anyway, class is almost out. So...

Goodbyes.

Oh, good band you might want t check out-- Pianos Become The Teeth. Look up the song "Houses We Die In."

PEACE!

4/22

I wish it would rain.

All of my best memories were made in the rain. My memory isn't what it used to be... a fine bit of rain might bring something back to me.

I remember when me and Mikhaela went to Hawthorne. It was raining that day. The lights from the cars were reflected on the street. The rain had turned the asphalt into a shimmering mirror.
I fell in love with her that night. It was magical. We went to a rose garden, but all the roses were gone. The branches were cut. I told her how I felt about her while we sat on a little bench. She held my hand. I miss her. Scheduling this term is crappy. I never see her at school anymore... I think we're doing something Saturday.

I haven't gone for a walk in the rain in a long time. At least not just to walk. I guess I've walked home from school in it.

I truly despise sunny rain. I do. They seem unnatural to me, these so-called "monkey-showers."

I hope it rains today, I really do.

I remember when I first found this song. When I heard it, it reminded me of driving through the woods at night in the rain. Go find it. The song is "Song for Broken Birdie" by We're From Japan!

I know the drummer of that band. His name is Martin... he lives in Germany now... I wonder when him and Lianne will be back.

I miss Mary. God, do I miss her. We would camp out (all of us, Mary, Tony, Becca, Colton & Elizabeth, Ravin) on the top of Ravin's apartment building and lie there. You couldn't see the stars because of the smog and the clouds, but it was still nice. It rained one night. We were all so high we didn't even care.
I miss them. But I don't want to talk about that yet.

I suppose it's goodbye for now.
An update on my sleeping schedule: half an hour in the last three days. I'm not doing so hot.